The best you can give is what you have

The COVID-19 inquiry is starting to drip feed its findings, and I'm having a lot of feelings.

Some of those feelings come from being a person who worked in the response in 2020. I can't even begin to say how awful it was - and I faced far, far less of the awfulness than many of my colleagues. The work was gruelling, and every single decision that had to be taken (I was only on the edges) was ethically fraught, done without much information, but carried enormous weight.

Faced with a situation like that, most of us would be paralysed - would find reasons to avoid making a call, to pass the buck instead, to make someone else responsible for the hard stuff. Passing the buck wasn't an option. I believe that people did the best they could in the shitty circumstances that presented themselves. That's something I'll go to the grave believing, because I saw it happen; and I saw the human consequences for the people involved.

At first, we were buoyed by the solidarity of almost everyone. That frayed, and we became public enemies. Actually, we were just trying to keep people alive. No one should be reviled for that.

Some of my feelings come from being a nerd, and I don't mean that in a flippant way. When the vaccine mandates were extended, I felt uncomfortable that it was an overreach - the public health gain didn't outweigh people's rights. I didn't speak up at the time. That was partly because I felt like being contrary in a moment of national solidarity would undermine the very thing that was making our response such an international success.

Looking back, I don't think that was stupid or unjustifiable reasoning by any stretch. But nor do I think it was the best reasoning I could have done. If I have a regret, this is it. It's important for me to say this, and say it publicly, because COVID has polarised us even more than we were already polarised. It's hard to say, "I've learned more and I'm willing to change my mind". But if we can't say those things, what hope is there for any of us?

Some of my feelings come from being sick. I've now battled long COVID for more than two and a half years. On one hand, the stripping back of public health measures, the conspiracy theories about both COVID and the vaccine, kind of hurt me. On the other hand, if I'd got an earlier strain - one of the strains that killed so many millions of people - I don't know what sort of life I'd have, if any at all.

People gave up a lot through lockdown and other measures to stop me from ever knowing just how bleak my life could have been. We say we've moved on, but I will never, ever, for the rest of my days forget what people sacrificed to care for others like me, whether or not they foresaw that's what they were doing. The ones who went through MIQ, or who never even got into MIQ, who couldn't get home to be with loved ones: you gave me a chance, and I want you to know how much I value your gift every day.

The last of my feelings come from being a citizen, I guess. We have to learn from this, genuinely learn. Those of us who were involved need to let go of our defensiveness and be OK being scrutinised. Those who are holding us to account need to understand what we went through, recognising we acted in good faith and extending their compassion. And we need to make sure that when this happens again - not if, but when - we use our knowledge, our memories, our heads, and our hearts to take care of one another once more.